‘I Don’t Look the Way I Anticipated I Would. But I’m Alive, I’m Here, I’m Not in Pain’

Before being treated for breast cancer in 2019, Shirley Eosso says she was “fine” with her body. “I had aspects I would want to change, but nothing that was worth it to me to put any investment into.” So, it’s not surprising that the prospect of breast reconstruction after a mastectomy stirred up an unexpected reaction. “My thought was, I’m going to get an upgrade. I’m having a [double] mastectomy, and I can finally have the body I want,” she recalls.

In the most important ways, breast cancer treatment did give Shirley the body she’d hoped for: one that is healthy, strong, and bears no evidence of cancer four years after her diagnosis. To get there, though, Shirley had to come to terms with an array of physical changes.

Some were temporary, such as losing her hair during chemotherapy. “It was difficult to see the hair on the pillow when I woke up in the morning,” she recalls. Wanting her two boys, who were 9 and 11 at the time, to feel comfortable looking at their mom, she dealt with her increasingly bare scalp by giving them the final word on how to deal with it.

“I asked [them], ‘Do you prefer to see me with a wig, or do you prefer to see me with the hat I’ve been wearing as I’ve been transitioning?’” The boys voted for the hat, which covered the bald top of their mom’s head but allowed some wisps of hair that were left to peek out, a solution that worked beautifully while she waited for her hair to grow back.

The permanent changes to her body have been a bit harder for her to deal with, such as the few extra pounds she carries, caused by the medication she still takes to help prevent a recurrence. More challenging is the appearance of her reconstructed breasts.

“I don’t look the way I anticipated I would,” she says. “Maybe I had unrealistic expectations of what I would look like afterwards, because I just didn’t know what someone after a mastectomy could look like.” In hindsight, she wishes she’d talked to a therapist at the time of her treatment.

That disappointment has had a lasting impact on Shirley, who admits, “I’ve had moments where I’m really frustrated and down. I don’t enjoy wearing a bathing suit anymore. I rarely do.”

“I want to feel good in my body,” she adds, “and the way I look and I feel, I’m a little short of that.”

At the same time, Shirley maintains a healthy perspective on her new body. “On the flip side of it, I’m alive, I’m here, I’m not in pain. It doesn’t stop me from doing what I want to do. … I allow myself to have those moments and those thoughts, but I don’t allow myself to stay there, because I know the alternative.”

Shirley also finds comfort in an unexpected result of having cancer: “My relationship with my husband is stronger today,” she says, thinking back to how they handled her diagnosis and treatment as a couple. “I was able to see things from his perspective and ask him questions in a different way.” And in the end, she says, “While I’m not 100 percent satisfied with how I look, my husband is still attracted to me, and we’re still together and happy and living our lives.”

How to Prepare for Breast Cancer Treatment

Although chemotherapy and breast surgery are often lifesaving, they also bring about significant changes to your appearance. Some ways to deal with the visible side effects:

1. Consider a cold cap. To help prevent or reduce hair loss from chemotherapy, you may want to try scalp hypothermia, also called cold capping. It involves wearing — before, during, and after treatment — a neoprene cap that contains a cooling liquid, which is thought to constrict blood vessels and decrease the amount of medication that reaches the hair follicles, according to the American Cancer Society. One caveat is that cold capping may not be covered by insurance.
2. Be clear about your expectations, and share them with your surgeon. Each person’s outcome after a mastectomy and breast reconstruction is different, but you can get a fairly good idea of what to expect from the different options your surgeon recommends: having reconstruction immediately after your mastectomy versus later (known as delay reconstruction) and whether to have an implant or flap as part of the procedure. Do your homework, ask as many questions as it takes to understand the pros and cons, talk to other women, and let your surgeon know what you hope to achieve.
3. Get emotional support. Line up a therapist or join a support group — or both — before your surgery. This way, you can get help coming to terms with your new body ahead of experiencing potential emotional repercussions.
4. Be patient and focus on the big picture. On days you’re feeling down, allow those emotions to happen, but don’t let them overtake you. Remind yourself that your hair will grow back and your scars will heal. And while it may take months for them to be less obvious, hold on to the fact that, thanks to the treatment that caused them, you’ll be around to see them fade away.