Healthy Sex: The Ultimate Guide

Good sexual health is about a whole lot more than practicing safe sex or being able to get hard. Sexual health is about how you see yourself as a sexual being, your ability to embrace and enjoy your sexuality, and your sense of truly owning your sexual actions and choices.

Healthy Sex, Healthy Body, Healthy Mind

Being sexually healthy delivers big-time pleasure. And satisfying, healthy sex is also vital to your overall health and well-being. By releasing oxytocin, endorphins, and a gush of other feel-good chemicals in the brain, sex — especially orgasm — can boost mood, induce sleep, chill you out, and even lessen pain. One study, for instance, found that sex during migraine or cluster headache led to partial or complete relief of pain for some patients in a headache clinic. (1)

Related: Birth Control and Contraception Options: An A-to-Z Guide

Healthy sex can also be great for your cardiovascular health: A study from 2015 in found that men who had more frequent sex had lower risk of heart attack, independent of erectile dysfunction. (2) And while a study published in 2016 did find that lots of sexual action (one or more times a week) can up the risk of stroke and heart attack for older men (ages 57 to 85), female partners in the same age bracket who reported having frequent and satisfying sex were less likely to develop hypertension, a risk factor for heart attack and stroke. (3)

Learn More About the Health Benefits of Having Sex

Similar to Kegel exercises but a whole lot more satisfying, the rhythmic contractions of orgasm act like a workout for women’s pelvic floor.

Comprising muscles, tendons, and tough membranes, the pelvic floor is essentially a sling that supports your abdominal organs. It’s anchored to various points on your pelvic bones and has small gaps that permit your urethra, rectum, and vagina to pass through.

A healthy pelvic floor is able to contract and relax effectively, closing off these tubes and allowing them to open when needed. Going for the O won’t keep all this in shipshape on its own. But frequent orgasms can contribute to better tone. And that can help lower the risk of pelvic floor dysfunction issues, which can range from low back pain to organ prolapse to urinary and fecal incontinence, according to a review of research. (4)

Equally important to the physical benefits of sexual intimacy and gratification is the psychological and emotional payoff.

“Healthy, satisfying sex helps forge a strong emotional bond in a relationship. And the benefits of that closeness carry way beyond the bedroom,” says Deborah Fox, a certified sex therapist based in Washington, DC. “Knowing that you are desired and accepted helps you feel confident and adds to your overall sense of well-being. It is not just a matter of connecting with another body but of connecting with another person’s body and soul.”

Healthy, satisfying sex isn’t always about orgasm either. “People overlook the pleasure-giving aspect of sex. There’s satisfaction that comes from languorous sessions where you can just touch and explore. Having that kind of variability and changing up the routine is an important part of satisfying sex,” says Fox.

Learn More About the Role of Intimacy in Overall Health

As long as sexual choices are consensual for both partners and don’t involve abuse, exploring new territory can also be exciting and liberating. One meta-analysis found that people with more open attitudes about sexual pleasure are able to explore their sexuality without guilt. (5) And freedom from guilt, says the study, makes for more satisfying sex. Ridding yourself of excessive guilt and shame in general is also a bonus, since excessive feelings of guilt are associated with depression, anxiety and stress. (6)

And while we’re on the topic of guilt and shame, ditch the very idea of it when it comes to pleasuring yourself. Self-propelled orgasm delivers the same stress-busting benefits as partner sex. Knowing what rings your bell will help you guide your partners to do the same. “Turning down the light, taking 30 minutes to connect with yourself and make yourself feel good also affirms you’re worthy of such a gift. It’s sensuous feedback that gives you energy, feels great, and makes you feel better emotionally,” says Walker J. Thornton, the author of Inviting Desire: A Guide for Women Who Want to Enhance Their Sex Life.

Learn More About Better Sex: How to Enhance Intimate Sexual Experiences

Yes, healthy sex is good for your mind and body. But what if you don’t have the drive to get it on in the first place?

“You have the right to decide whether you want to have sex or not, but you owe it to yourself to explore the reasons why you feel that way, since there are so many benefits to having a healthy sex life,” says Lori Buckley, PsyD, a certified sex therapist and the author of 21 Decisions for Great Sex and a Happy Relationship.

A woman’s sex drive can ebb and flow as she goes through life. Normal hormonal changes during menopause and before and after childbirth can suck the wind out of desire, as can the exhaustion that comes with raising kids — especially when they’re young and don’t sleep through the night. For some men, normal aging-related declines in testosterone can also affect their desire to have sex.

Learn More About Sex Drive: What Your Libido Says About Your Health

If your sex drive has slowed or has always idled near neutral, don’t simply write it off as the way you’re wired, the toll of getting older, or an inevitable outcome of sleeping with the same person for years on end. A good sex therapist can problem-solve with you, helping you explore a range of emotional and psychological issues that may be standing between you and a vibrant sex life.

Step one, however, will be ruling out any health issues that may be dulling your desire.

“A sex therapist will generally ask questions about your sexual and health history. Your answers can tell us a lot,” says Dr. Buckley. For instance, if you can achieve orgasm while masturbating but can’t get excited with a partner, your issue may not be physical in nature. 

On the other hand, if you have zero desire, can’t get an erection, or can’t ever seem to come, your therapist may recommend a checkup and perhaps some bloodwork with a doctor. Common medical culprits include anxiety and depression in both men and women, as well as nonsexual diseases like arthritis, cancer, diabetes, high blood pressure, coronary artery disease, and neurological diseases. In men, unusually low testosterone levels, known as hypogonadism, can be caused by chromosomal abnormalities, thyroid disease, obesity, and HIV. (7)

And don’t overlook your meds: Certain drugs can make sex more difficult or less satisfying. And painful or frustrating sex not surprisingly takes a bite out of desire!

For example, some blood pressure medications can make it difficult for men to achieve and sustain an erection. And antidepressant medications — especially widely used serotonin-reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) — can also take a toll by diminishing and delaying orgasm, decreasing libido, and contributing to difficulty sustaining or achieving an erection. (8)

You can talk to your doctor about switching to a medication that might not have the same effect. For example, not all antidepressants have the same effect on sex. Even if switching medications isn’t an option, that doesn’t mean you have to choose between satisfying sex and your health. “You can still enjoy sex. You may just need more or different kinds of stimulation to get aroused,” says Buckley. 

Learn More About Sex Therapy: What Men and Women Should Know

All this said, there are many fun, nonmedical ways to revive your desire and drive and improve your sex life. Some of the most basic physical activities, like exercise, sleep, and yoga, are proven ways to boost your energy levels and help you feel better, especially sexually.

Holistic treatments like acupuncture, as well as tools like lube, vibrators, herbs, and even a calendar, can help you uncover hidden sexual energy and awaken new avenues for stimulation.

Learn More About Natural Ways to Boost Your Sex Life

Once you’ve looked at the physical, emotional, and mental health aspects of your sex life, you may want to improve, enhance, or expand certain parts of it. There’s often room for improvement, right?

It’s true: Orgasms can improve, erogenous zones may be discovered, and, for women, new paths to and types of orgasm are possible.

Looking to have better orgasms, more satisfying sex, or just broaden your sexual horizons? There are plenty of ways to help yourself find more pleasure.   

Learn More About How to Have More Satisfying Sex

Chances are, if you want to avoid pregnancy but don’t have effective and reliable contraception, you may not have the best sexual experience. Get the facts on all your birth control options.

Learn More About Birth Control and Contraception Options: An A-to-Z Guide

Of course, to have satisfying sex, you’ve got to maintain a healthy sex profile. If you are not in a long-term, monogamous relationship, that means practicing safe sex and getting tested regularly for sexually transmitted diseases, several of which are on the rise. In fact, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, at least 2.5 million new cases of gonorrhea, chlamydia, and syphilis were reported in 2021 — one of the highest number of sexually transmitted diseases ever in a single year in the United States. (9)

Learn More About STDs: What They Are and Who Gets Them

Stay current, clued-in, and conversant about sexual health with some of the best blogs and books ever written on the subject. Check out the titles, websites, and newsletters from these authoritative writers.

• Great Sex: A Man’s Guide to the Secret Principles of Total-Body Sex, by Michael Castleman 
  
• Guide to Getting It On: Unzipped by Paul Joannides, PsyD, and Daerick Gröss Sr.
• Love That Works — a Guide to Enduring Intimacy, by Wendy Strgar
• The Sexual Spark: 20 Essential Exercises to Reignite the Passion, by Michael Krychman, MD, and Alyssa Dweck, MD
  
• Better Sex Through Mindfulness: How Women Can Cultivate Desire, by Lori A. Brotto, PhD
• Great Sex, Naturally, by Laurie Steelsmith, ND, and Alex Steelsmith

Learn More About Hot Reads and Sexual Health Resources