Is IBS Ruining Your Dating and Sex Life?

Dan Collins had just started a stressful new job in Thornton, Colorado, when he was diagnosed with irritable bowel syndrome (IBS), a gastrointestinal condition marked by painful bloating, diarrhea, gas, and constipation.

“I would eat something and 30 minutes to an hour later, I’d be doubled over in pain, literally,” says Collins, a public relations executive. Still, IBS didn’t stop Collins, then 32, from joining a singles club that organized group activities like hiking, hot-air ballooning, and movie nights.

When Collins moved back to his home state of Maryland, his quest for Ms. Right continued. Over the next two and a half years, Collins had 60 blind dates.

“You learn to be a good actor,” Collins says, as in Uh-oh! I need to use the restroom now, while not letting your panic show.

For Collins, diarrhea was his predominant IBS symptom. “I would have the most problems after eating, so I would try to plan dates that didn’t involve food,” Collins says. And if Collins did need to use the restroom on a date, he would try to time it for when his date had to go. “But I was always the guy who would be in there longer than her,” he says.

On one cringeworthy date, at a Broadway performance of the Nutcracker, Collins was holed up in the restroom during the opening curtain. “Come on! We’re missing the play!” his date screamed from outside the men’s room.

“I’m doing the best I can!” Collins yelled back. The couple broke up soon after.

The Challenges of Dating With IBS

“Dating can be challenging even under normal circumstances, but IBS can bring up additional obstacles, such as the unpredictability of symptoms, the need for quick access to a bathroom, and a special diet,” says Kara Gross Margolis, MD, a pediatric gastroenterologist at Columbia University's Irving Medical Center in New York City and a spokesperson for the American Gastroenterological Association.

Sex, especially with someone new, can be extra intimidating. What if you have an IBS episode before, during, or after? What if you’re staying over at someone’s house for the first time and you can’t find the bathroom? Even just nervous thoughts about sex can bring on IBS symptoms if stress is your trigger, says Judith Scheman, PhD, the director of behavioral medicine for the Digestive Disease and Surgery Institute at the Cleveland Clinic in Ohio.

IBS may also affect, well, performance. A study published in December 2015 in the International Journal of Impotence Research, for example, found that men with IBS were more likely to develop erectile dysfunction compared with men without the bowel disorder.

Fortunately, IBS doesn’t have to derail your dating and sex life. These expert strategies can help you connect with confidence.

Loving Advice for Managing IBS Symptoms and a Dating Life

Pick the right time and place. If diarrhea is your IBS symptom, plan dates that don’t involve eating, like Collins did. After you’ve gotten to know each other better, come up with a list of restaurants and activities you both enjoy so you can take illness out of the equation.

The time to reveal your IBS is different for everybody, but generally, you don’t want to make it the topic of your first date. “In the initial stages, keep it low-key,” Collins says. “But as you become more intimate with someone, you’ll find there’s nothing you won’t talk about.” That’s the time to tell all. You might start by saying, for example, “You may have noticed that we haven’t done anything that involves food. You’re probably thinking, ‘What’s the deal here? I’m hungry!’”

You might find that your date has something he or she has been meaning to tell you, too. In Collins’s case, his special someone, Tina Saratsiotis, whom he met on Match.com, revealed that she had the constipation form of IBS.

“We bonded over food and digestion issues,” Collins says. Several months into their dating life, right before the couple was going away for Valentine’s Day weekend, Tina revealed another secret: She had schizoaffective disorder. “I was like, ‘I don’t care,’” Collins says.

Learn relaxation techniques. To get a handle on dating and sex anxiety, moment-by-moment stress management is key.

“Calming down your nervous system can be learned like any other skill,” Dr. Scheman says. With practice, you can teach yourself to get into a relaxed mind-body state quickly, such as while you’re waiting for your first date to arrive at a meeting place. A study published in Aliment Pharmacological Therapy involving 69 patients with IBS found that those who practiced deep breathing and other relaxation techniques for five weeks had fewer IBS symptoms than those who didn’t.

You may want to try digestive relaxation podcasts, such as the ones Scheman has recorded for Cleveland Clinic’s behavioral medicine program. These 6- to 11-minute-long podcasts will teach you breathing techniques, tactile relaxation cues, such as touching your thumb and forefinger together, and word cues, such as “Relax,” to help you stay calm.

RELATED: Mindfulness Meditation Reduces IBS Symptoms and Anxiety, Study Finds

Ask for your partner’s understanding. There will always be good days and bad days with anything. To manage bad IBS days, “ask for understanding in a way that makes your own needs known while letting your partner know you’re working on solving the problem,” Scheman says. For example, you can say something like this: “It has been a really hard week and as much as I’ve tried to control my symptoms, I just haven’t been able to. Would you mind if we stayed in on Saturday night and watched a movie instead of going out?”

Don’t make your IBS your partner’s issue. Avoid using your IBS against someone by, say, threatening that if they make you angry it might trigger your symptoms. That’s not a healthy way to deal with conflict. Instead, Scheman says to try addressing interpersonal conflict by saying something like, “I would prefer we talk about our disagreements rather than yelling because I find that really upsetting.”

In a healthy relationship, you’re responsible for your emotions. “It’s your responsibility to manage your well-being,” Scheman says. “You can’t control whether the other person is happy, upset, glad, or mad. You can only control your reactions to it.”

Seek out counseling if issues persist. With IBS, you may not want to have sex because you feel lousy, have anxiety about going to the bathroom, or have low self-esteem because of the condition. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), a form of psychotherapy that focuses on symptom-related worry, may help. To feel more comfortable, intimate, and sexy in a relationship, talk with your partner about your fears and needs. If these discussions are too difficult, seek out individual or couples' counseling, preferably with a therapist who has a solid understanding of the brain-gut connection aspect of IBS. Therapy can help you dig deeper to determine why IBS symptoms continue to interfere with your dating and sex life, Scheman says. A review paper published in Psychology Research and Behavior Management in 2017 looked at numerous studies that concluded CBT was effective at relieving IBS symptoms for at least one year after treatment.

Finally, don’t let IBS define you. Constantly remind yourself of your good qualities. IBS is only part of who you are. “The right person will want to date you for the whole package,” Dr. Margolis says. Be on the lookout for someone who is understanding, thoughtful, kind, supportive, and patient.

“The key is to find someone who doesn’t judge you,” says Collins, who has been married to Tina since 2009.

Additional reporting by Ashley Welch.